


RC #227 Interlude #1: Suppertime Stories

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #227 [3]
Category: Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Co-Written, Collaboration, Guest Author - Iximaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 08:31:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14398257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: In which Falchion makes a wrong turn and some new friends.(Co-written with Iximaz)





	RC #227 Interlude #1: Suppertime Stories

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. Agents Falchion and Rayner Blitzkrieg belong to me. Agents Rina Dives and Randa Roan belong to Iximaz and Randa, respectively.
> 
> \- **Betas:** Iximaz and Darkotas.
> 
> \- **Rating:** K+ - Just a bit of small-talk, no more and no less.
> 
> \- **Original Posting Date:** January 26, 2015
> 
> \- **Note:** For the upload of this interlude to AO3, Rayner's dialogue has been modified to include the speech patterns given to him since 2017.
> 
> \- **In-Universe Date:** October 25, 2014, immediately after the events of "[Why We Can't Have Nice Things](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S-BswjRweMBrLwHVlce-zAG0wGaKwjMQahBeygRPDI4/edit)".
> 
> \- ["Original document"](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1p57XK59oG56M5gAbF_I3d4FGa55XZuO1iM3ZcSLtQYE/edit?usp=sharing)

Falchion was in a fowl mood.

No, that wasn’t a typo.

A little-known fact about chickens and other poultry is that they are often very territorial, and will often fight fiercely if their personal space is invaded. And while Falchion was no Blaziken, his thoughts could be summed up as _‘Anyone who bothers me on my way back to my RC will be rewarded with a Brave Bird where the Sunny Day move doesn’t shine’_. So yes, ‘fowl’ was a surprisingly appropriate description of how he was feeling at the moment.

Why did his partner have to send him off to Medical, anyway? His Roost move could recover health regardless of how much he was hurt. And if anything, they could have given him a full revive rather than trying to weld his armor back together. Fire and Steel-types made terrible roommates, as the Medical staff learned the hard way when the Skarmory agent attempted to escape and accidentally maimed a few of the nurses. He ultimately had to be sedated so his wounds could be cauterized and re-sealed, and he could never look at blowtorches the same way again.

As easily distracted as he was, Falchion was dead-set on returning to his RC and getting some rest. Unfortunately, thinking about his destination was not exactly the best way of finding it. It seemed as though every time he thought he’d gone in the right direction, he had in fact gone further and further _away_ from the RC.

Of course, there was also the prospect of having to listen to his partner yelling at Sarah for screwing up on a massive scale. It was not something to look forward to, especially not after all of the flak he had taken directly on his first assignment. Maybe staying away from them for a few hours was a good idea after all, at least for the time being.

As it was, the Skarmory agent ended up taking at least a dozen wrong turns before realizing that he was hopelessly lost. Was he even in the correct department anymore? There was only one way to find out.

Walking over to the nearest door, he pecked at it a few times, and stepped back as though waiting for a response. A few moments later, the door opened, and a young man with a rainbow-colored mullet, a light blue and white jacket, and ripped blue jeans stood before him.

“Excuse me,” Falchion asked in an overly formal tone. “Is this the Department of Floaters?”

For a moment, the man looked at the Armor Bird Pokémon with a completely bemused expression. But then he scowled. “No. This is the Department of Mary Sues. Get out.”

And he slammed the door in Falchion’s face.

The Skarmory’s beak fell open in shock. How could this guy be so rude? All Falchion needed was a few simple directions!

Clattering his beak in irritation, he reared back and kicked the door with his clawed foot several times. A moment later, the rainbow-haired man opened the door again, just as Falchion kicked once more, and jumped back in surprise. The bird’s talons just missed his crotch.

“Sorry to bother you again, but… do you know the way to the Department of Floaters?” Falchion asked.

The man looked at him as though he had asked if he could borrow the toilet. “Isn’t there a map of HQ? Look at it and come back to me. Goodbye!”

“Do _not_ slam the door in my face again,” the Skarmory warned, pushing the door open with his foot. “That is rude, insensitive, and — ”

“ — completely justified. My career is about killin’ Mary Sues, not giving people directions!”

“But you _have_ to do that if anyone asks, whomever you are. If you say no, what will people think? What will your partner think?”

“My partner is currently incarcerated in a hyperspace pocket dimension, far away from where she can hurt anybody. She won’t have a say about me turnin’ down offers from a complete stranger.”

He abruptly stopped, standing up straight with his magenta eyes wide in surprise, and then clutched his forehead in pain. “All right, all right! Fine! I stand corrected! I’ll take this stupid bird back to Floaters! _Happy?!_ ”

Falchion cocked his head curiously, but stepped aside as the man walked through the door. “Were you just… talking to yourself?”

“Telepathic two-way connection,” he explained. “Keeps us in touch even when she’s imprisoned. It’s a long and depressing story…”

“…that you’d rather not talk about?” the Skarmory finished as he shut the door of the RC and followed him. As odd as this man was, the PPC was known for weirder things.

“Shut up. Anyway, if you want to go back to Floaters, we’ll have to take a detour to the Cafeteria. I was gonna head there anyway — I need to be proactive about my dinner before the Ironic Overpower leaves me hungry on my next mission.”

“You know what, I might as well,” said Falchion. “I’m starving too, and before you tell me that I eat like a bird, it might be helpful to remember that birds need to eat half their body weight every day to stay alive.”

“So the expression is a lie, huh?”

“Or a misunderstanding. If there’s any Unfezant parmesan, I call dibs on it.”

“Unfezant?”

“It’s a species of Pokémon. Generation V.”

The rainbow-haired man slowed to a stop, leaning against a wall for support. Falchion turned and looked at him with a concerned expression.

“What’s wrong?” the Armor Bird Pokémon asked warily.

The man snapped up and shunted him aside, continuing down the corridor they were in. “It’s nothin’ of your concern. It’s just that… well… my first partner was a Pokémon gijinka.”

“What happened to him?” asked Falchion, catching up to him.

They walked in dead silence for several long moments, and then the man spoke again. “It’s not somethin’ anyone has any right to know, I’ll say that much.”

“Somebody’s gonna ask eventually.”

“Tell me somethin’ I don’t know.”

The two of them entered the atrium containing the Fountain of Bleepka, which Falchion was very tempted to use as a birdbath after the fiasco of his previous mission. Sadly, Bleep-products and the avian respiratory system don’t mix, at least in a way that isn’t harmful to the latter. So from his point of view, burying his sorrows in three courses of something barely palatable seemed like a safer alternative.

“By the way,” he said as they entered the Cafeteria, “I didn’t get your name.”

“It’s Rayner. Rayner Blitzkrieg. And yes, before you ask, I’m also a gijinka. Pegasus, _My Little Pony_ continuum. Some jackass named Shadow-Aspect thought it would be fun to make a humanized, genderbent version of Rainbow Dash, and then shelved the idea.”

The gears started turning in Falchion’s head. Shadow-Aspect… He’d heard that user-name before and in a very familiar context. Wasn’t he the same guy who wrote _him_ to life, along with the badfic that he had tackled on his first mission?

This brought back a number of unfamiliar memories, of talking and role-playing with people on the Internet, meeting different characters, and getting all kinds of strange ideas, some good, some bad, some inherently stupid — like trying to take over roleplays with friends, for example…

“What’s your name?” Rayner asked, snapping him out of his reminiscence.

“Oh! Uh, it’s Falchion,” he replied hastily. “Just Falchion. I don’t have a surname, and I don’t need one.”

The two of them sat down at the nearest pair of empty seats, Falchion supporting his weight on the joints of his ankles instead of his posterior the way a human would. Opposite them sat two teenaged girls, a tall one with short, messy brown hair, and a shorter, chubbier one with a jacket vest and brown eyes that stared off into space.

“So, what’s for dinner?” Falchion asked nobody in particular.

“Seafood, by the looks of it,” said the taller girl. “Apparently, some nutjob had the bright idea to sneak a salmon cannon into Headquarters a few days ago. The results got in the way of more than a few missions.”

“Ever been up to your waist in dead fish?” asked the shorter girl. “Not fun. Not fun _at all._ ”

“Oh come on, I _like_ salmon,” Falchion replied dryly. “My favorite part’s the skin.”

“Suit yourself.” The taller girl shrugged and went back to poking at her food with her plastic spork.

“Oh, come on, Rina, don’t be so antisocial,” the shorter girl chided. “So, hi, nice to meet you and stuff! I’m Randa Roan, and Mrs. Grumpypants here is my partner, Rina Dives. We’re in the DMS. What about you, Skarmory?”

“His name’s Falco, or something,” Rayner cut in. “I forget what specifically, no offense intended…”

“Falchion,” the Steel-type corrected. “And no offense taken — I myself am good with faces, but awful with names. I never had a name prior to joining the PPC.”

“So, you were just a Skarmory?” asked Rina.

“Yeah, but it’s a bit more complicated than that. It’s a bit hard to explain…”

“You said you have time,” said Rayner, getting up from his chair. “I’ll go get food for me and the bird. You three can keep each other company until I get back.”

“Fine, whatever,” said Rina as the humanized pegasus walked off. “So, which department are you from, Falchion?”

“Floaters. RC #227. I was actually on my way back there and got myself lost, so Pony Boy over there decided to invite me here for supper. Well, he _was_ a bit reluctant to talk to me — he’s a pretty… _touchy_ individual from what little I know of him — but his partner convinced him to help out. Sort of.”

“Pony Boy?” asked Randa. “What do you mean by that?”

“He’s a pegasus turned into a human. I think he mentioned something about _My Little Pony_ in that context…”

“You mean, _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_ ?” asked Rina, sitting up a little straighter. “Since when were there humans in that continuum? He didn’t look like he was from _Equestria Girls_.”

“There aren’t any in the newest generation, aside from _Equestria Girls_ ,” replied Randa. “But there’s an art fad where the characters are turned into humans.”

“And genderbent too,” Falchion added. “Apparently, Rayner’s basically Rainbow Dash as a human male.”

“So he’s Rainbow Blitz… with very sharp teeth,” Rina said slowly.

“But he doesn’t have the personality of that character,” replied Randa. “I wonder why?”

“I have no idea,” Falchion replied. “I only met him about five minutes ago.”

“Eh, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s not our business,” Rina said, taking another bite of salmon. “Mmm. Seriously, whoever brought the salmon cannon into HQ should be thanked; this is _so_ much better than the regular food!”

“Rina, a fish smacked you in the face,” Randa reminded her partner.

“Yes, and now I’m eating it. Who got the last laugh, huh?” Rina took another bite to emphasize her point. “So, Falchion,” she said, “how long have you been here? Best Randa and I can figure, it’s been close to a year for us.”

“A year and a bit,” Randa corrected. “You’re forgetting all that time we spent taking out _your_ old badfi — OOF!”

Rina had elbowed her partner in the ribs. “About a year,” she said calmly. She turned to Randa and hissed, “That mission took _two days_ , stop going on about it!”

Falchion decided it was probably best not to ask about that.

“I’ve been here for about one month or so,” he stated. “And I’ve only had two recorded missions so far. One of which was more than a little personal.”

Rayner returned just then, carrying a plate in each hand; he had purchased a Sue Souffle and a mug of Sweet Apple Acres-brand cider for himself and some salmon steak for Falchion. He also had a black eye and several bruises on his face and upper body.

“Seems like everybody’s clamorin’ for the good stuff,” he grumbled as he sat down again, handing the salmon to the Skarmory agent. “Is the cafeteria food really that bad?”

“Seems like it,” said Falchion, who shrugged before he started pecking at his meal.

“I can’t really taste that much of a difference, personally,” Rayner replied, sticking his spork into the souffle and taking his first mouthful. “As long as it’s glittery, it’s good by me.”

“So, you eat Sue flesh, huh?” asked Randa. “What prompted you to give it a try?”

“Oh, a lot of things,” said Rayner glumly. “I’ve had a very rough time since I joined last year. I’m Rayner, by the way. DMS.”

Rina cocked her head. “You’re not the guy who brought that ficubus into HQ, are you?”

“How did you-?”

“Oh, come on,” Randa said, trying to hide a grin, “ _everybody_ heard about it! It’s not every day an unreformed Sue is allowed to wander free in here.”

Rayner scowled. “Okay, first of all, she’s not unreformed, _per se_ , but — ” he winced and put a hand to his temple. “Luna dammit, shut up,” he hissed.

Randa glanced at Rina and twirled a finger around her temple.

“Rayner told me that he and his partner have a two-way telepathic connection, whatever that is,” said Falchion. “It’s probably like a two-way walkie-talkie, except nobody else can hear them other than each other.”

“He really is crazy, isn’t he?” Randa muttered to Rina.

“No, I’m not!” Rayner snapped at her. “Stupid at times, yes, but insane? Tartarus no!”

“Then what were you possibly thinking when you messed up that mission?” Rina said flatly, giving him a very serious look. “Why did you drop that Sue-wraith on the Sunflower’s head rather than killing her on the spot?”

He gulped, realizing that she had him cornered. For a moment, he wondered whether he should explain himself and open himself up to ridicule. But ultimately, he decided it better to be honest about himself.

“I’m based off the Element of Loyalty, not Honesty,” he groaned, stabbing his souffle with his spork like someone impaling a victim with a dagger, “but I guess I can’t betray a fellow DMS agent by coverin’ up the truth. When I stepped in before the Sue-wraith could kill Harry, she sprayed blood all over me and I couldn’t stop myself attacking her. I ended up chewin’ off a piece of her, and she said that we were now bound to each other by blood. I had no idea what she meant specifically, but I knew I couldn’t kill her without hurtin’ myself, so I decided to send her to the ninth circle of Dante’s Inferno…”

“…and you dialed the wrong address on the RA?” Falchion guessed.

“Will you stop finishing my sentences?!” Rayner snorted at him.

“Sorry. But while I’m here, I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. Could you start from the beginning? What happened to your first partner, anyway?”

His face turned pale. If it meant talking about Nick’s… death…

In the same way that Rainbow Dash deliberately ate messily to keep her friends from discovering her secret love of reading during her hospital stay in “Read it and Weep”, Rayner took the spork out of his souffle and immediately shoved his face into it, devouring the contents as noisily as he could.

All three agents looked at him in surprise and disgust.

“Okay, if there was any doubt that he’s crazy, there isn’t anymore,” Rina murmured.

“My guess is that something really, _really_ bad must’ve happened for him to have table manners like that,” said Falchion.

“Bruh, don’t worry,” said Randa. “If it was that horrible, we won’t ask about your previous partner. Promise. What the birdie here probably wanted to ask is, how did you get your new one?”

The humanized pegasus raised his head, now covered in glittery mush, and motioned for Falchion to pass him a napkin to wipe his face with.

“Okay, fine,” he grumbled, cleaning the glitter off of himself before picking his sharp teeth with a fingernail. “As long as you don’t ask about… _that_ mission ever again, everythin’s cool. Anyway, you asked about how E.V.L. joined the PPC?”

“E.V.L.?” asked Falchion.

“I’m not good with long names, but her original name was somethin’-somethin’ von Lily or something. Way too long to pronounce. Anyway, she was originally a ficubus, and a pretty nasty one at that. I finally tracked her down in the Potterverse, but...”

“Everything went to Hades?” Rina finished. Rayner nodded gloomily. Rina winced. “That sucks, dude.”

“Anyway, long story short, we’re stuck together, courtesy of a blood link or somethin’,” Rayner continued, finally managing to prise a sliver of meat from between his teeth. He popped it in his mouth and swallowed before taking a swig of his cider. “And even better, she’s always in my head while we’re in HQ.” He nodded at Randa. “She says you’d look great if you lost a few pounds.”

Randa’s face reddened. “Well, you can tell her to go — ”

Rina elbowed her, though she, too, was glaring at Rayner.

Falchion, deciding to change the subject before either agent attacked Rayner (who finally seemed to realize he’d said something stupid), turned to Rina. “So how did you guys end up as partners?” he asked.

Rina and Randa exchanged looks and grinned. “It was really my fault,” Rina said, putting down her spork and reaching for her mug. She took a long draft of whatever it was before putting it down and belching loudly. “Oops, sorry. Anyway, I’m not entirely sure what exactly happened.... one of the nurses in Medical said it was something to do with this thing he called ‘L-Space’? Anyway, I pretty much fell through a plothole one morning and wound up landing in the middle of the Cafeteria. I asked to sign up right away.”

Randa sniggered. “Darling, you’re forgetting the part where the Andalite asked if you were okay and then you fainted.”

Rayner coughed to hide his laughter; Rina shot him a dirty look. “ _Anyway_ ,” she continued, “they took me to Medical. There was a lot of blabbering I didn’t understand, and finally Doctor Fitzgerald pinned it as temporal-spatial displacement nausea. Then he sent me to the Marquis de Sod, I asked if I could invite Randa here, and that’s kind of it.”

“Well, you did scare the shit outta me when you portaled into my bedroom and landed on top of me,” Randa laughed.

Rina pointed her spork at Randa. “Shut up, that was my first time portaling and you know it.”

“Whatever you say, hon.”

“Anyway, our first mission was a success — ”

“If by success, you mean you going batcrap crazy — ”

“And we haven’t looked back.”

“Except for that one time you tried Bleeprin,” Randa said thoughtfully, tapping her spork on her plate. “That was certainly interesting.”

“What happened?” Falchion asked.

Rina winced. “Let’s just say Bleep products and I don’t exactly go together.”

Randa rolled her eyes. “I portaled to World One and told her parents what had happened,” she explained to a bemused Falchion (Rayner had put his head in his hands and was muttering “Shut up!” over and over.). “And her mom went and yelled at the SO.”

Falchion’s beak fell open. “No way,” he said. “That was _your_ mom?”

Rina groaned. “Oh son of a werechihuahua, don’t tell me you’ve heard that, too?!”

“ _Everyone_ heard of that,” Rayner said, finally lifting his head. “Seems like news travels fast around here, doesn’t it?”

“You mean around the DMS or around the PPC HQ in general?” asked Falchion, before tearing a few more beakfuls of fish from his meal.

“It could go either way,” said Randa. “Though admittedly, we hadn’t heard about you except for what you’ve told us today. You said you were just a Skarmory prior to joining the PPC?”

Falchion nearly choked on a fishbone. He hadn’t expected them to ask about _him_.

There was an awkward pause while he tried to swallow, clutching his neck with his taloned feet, but a moment later, he managed to spit the bone out and start breathing again.

“Okay, this is going to take a while… Yeah, I was a wild Pokémon back in the day. I’m from the Unova region, and I was born from the union of a female Skarmory and a male Braviary. But… sadly, Skarmory weren’t introduced to Unova until Black 2 and White 2. So that means I technically couldn’t exist prior to that time. My existence was _plausible_ under different circumstances, though. There’s a difference.”

“E.V.L. wants t’know what happens to people who exist under circumstances that are completely impossible,” said Rayner, clutching his head again. “Like if you get a crossover between two continua that could never have intersected without defying logic itself, and a guy from one continuum had a kid with a girl from the other…”

“I don’t know too much about that myself. I’ve never tried it. But I’ve been told that pointing out flaws in bad logic causes it to stop working, like saying that Bleeprin technically sh — MMMM-MMMPH!”

Randa had reached over and held his beak shut. “Don’t. Say it,” she said. Though her tone was calm, there was a glint in her eye that Falchion _really_ didn’t like.

“O-okay, if you don’t want to hear it…”

“Poor thing,” said Rayner. “He’ll never get t’know the miracle of Bleeprin.”

“Yeah, but the lucky bastard can still use Suebuprofen,” Rina muttered, stabbing violently at her salmon.

“So Falco,” Rayner continued, “have you ever run into any circumstances that would have resulted in you wanting to take Bleeprin?”

There was another awkward silence. “Well… this kinda ties to my origin story, but… yeah. Once or twice.”

“Care to tell us?” asked Rina.

“I’ll get to that in a moment. Anyway, I was a subadult, pretty close to sexual maturity, when I flew through the plot hole that led me to the PPC. I had just left my parents’ nest in search of a new home. My main concern that morning was checking out Reversal Mountain and finding a suitable mate. Instead, I got into a battle with an angry Sphinx and had to be taken to Medical for a full revive.”

“Ouch. So, who was he? Or she?” asked Randa. “That wasn’t the crazy one who transferred to Floaters, was she?”

“Funny you should say that — she actually is. I wasn’t aware of that until she told me just before our first mission, though. Her name’s almost as long as E.V.L.’s, if Pony Boy here is to be believed.”

Rayner grumbled wordlessly at the Armor Bird Pokémon before returning to his souffle.

“I just call her Rosie,” Falchion continued. “Well, Rose, at first, but I didn’t want to get confused with other agents named Rose. I got it from the Rosetta Stone.”

“Makes sense, given that she’s Egyptian,” said Randa. “So, what happened to you two after you met?”

“We had our first mission right after I arrived. And believe me, it was a doozy.”

Rina and Randa looked at each other in nervous confusion.

“So, how bad was the Sue?” asked Rayner.

“Stu, technically,” Falchion replied. “And he wasn’t as _completely_ out there as, say, that one Weyrwoman Sue from Pern that Supernumerary and Ilraen from DIC took down like what, seven years ago? But still, he was just… Ugh.” He preened his wing idly, trying to forget the memory with little success.

“So, what was the problem with him?” asked Randa, popping a cheesy fry into her mouth.

The Skarmory agent raised his head to look at them, wondering if he should explain the truth. “Well, you’re not going to believe this… but… I wrote that fic.”

Rina, Randa, and Rayner both stared at him, open-mouthed. “You. Did. _WHAT?!_ ” Rayner almost shouted.

“Technically, my old author did, with help from a friend. It was a 35-chapter mega-crossover that basically turned into a monument to how much of an asshole he was during the early days of his social history on the Internet.”

“We all go through that phase,” said Randa. “Trust us, Rina would know.”

Her partner promptly elbowed her in the ribs again.

“I’m not kidding,” Falchion continued. “My author really did piss off a lot of people, both online and off. Every time he joined a group, roleplay, or what have you, he tried taking it over just like your grade-A standard Gary Stu would’ve. And that’s why the badfic we tackled on my first mission became a twisted, confusing nightmare involving over eleven different continua. If it were a good, _responsible_ writer who had stepped in, there should’ve been just one.”

“What was it, _Harry Potter_ ? _Narnia_ ? _Lord of the Rings_?” asked Rina.

“I swear to Celestia, if it was another MLP fic…” Rayner snarled through clenched teeth.

“ _The Incredibles_ , actually,” Falchion answered. “The idea was to, well, resurrect Supers who had been killed in the 15 years between the early scenes of the movie and the rest of it. The funny thing is that, well, _that_ particular part was handled pretty well. I’m still surprised that it was — otherwise we would have had to kill off an army of ridiculously powerful characters.”

“So, if they weren’t the problem, what was?” asked Randa.

“Like I said, the crossover elements,” Falchion continued. “And more specifically, the fact that the _other_ continua kinda took over the whole thing. And one of the most heavily involved was _Jurassic Park_.”

Everyone else gave an apprehensive shiver. “Sounds like you had a great time,” Rayner commented on E.V.L.’s behalf.

“There were actually _two_ Gary Stus introduced through that continuum,” said Falchion. “One of which was an author avatar. Terrordactyl, I think that was his name. When I saw him in action, I started experiencing these memories of actually _being_ him. Like I was seeing myself. It didn’t help that I had programmed my disguise based on what I remembered of his appearance, either. He was the most problematic of the four Suvian characters we had to face by _far_ …”

“There were _four_ of them?!” Randa cried out in alarm.

“Yep,” the Skarmory admitted sadly. “You already know about one of them. The second was a villain. He was known as Velociripper, a.k.a. Ripper: a _Velociraptor/_ human hybrid based on Light Yagami.”

Randa nearly upset her mug.

“He included _Death Note?!_ ” Rayner gasped.

“Not the actual canons, no. Just an expy,” said Falchion. “He was mean. Like, ‘take over the world and kill off humanity’ mean. And we actually got to speak to him while we were in the badfic.”

“It sounds incredibly lucky you survived,” said Rina slowly.

“Yeah, I know. He got fed to a mosasaur near the end of the mission, though. So yeah, talk about karma. Anyway, the other two Sues/Stus we dealt with were Character Replacements.”

“Replacements of whom?” asked Rayner.

Falchion took a deliberate bite from his salmon. “One of Peter Ludlow from the second JP movie, and one of Violet from _The Incredibles_ . The latter was the more dangerous one. She could… turn… into a _T. rex_ …”

“Oh, horse-apples,” Rayner gasped, his face turning slightly pale. “What happened to those guys, anyway?”

“Terrordactyl and Not!Violet together make my first kill as a PPC agent,” Falchion explained. “I’ll get to them later. We got rid of Ripper first, as I mentioned already. Well, we managed to press the charges right before he died anyway…”

“You let him die as he would’ve?!” asked Randa. “That’s dangerous!”

“We got rid of his influence, though. I’ll get to that later. Rosie wanted to slay Not!Ludlow after that, but we ran into some trouble. He was literally the focus of everybody’s attention by that point. Killing him in front of all the canons involved would’ve alerted them to our presence, and we would have made a bad situation worse. I tried to stop her, I really did, but…”

The other agents looked at each other, then back to Falchion.

“Go on,” said Rayner.

“Well… Not!Ludlow ran into the baby T. rexes from the third _Ice Age_ movie at the end of the final battle. They were hurt, starving, and really, _really_ mad at him. He’d attacked their family, caged them up, and who knows what else they did. So as soon as they found him, they, well… they…”

He fell silent just then, and everyone else understood almost immediately. Rayner pushed his souffle away from him in sympathetic horror.

“You never got to kill him? Or even press charges?” asked Rina.

“Nope. All that was left of him after they were done was a few shreds of clothing. Oh, and glitter. Everywhere.”

“That’s rough, buddy,” Rayner understated.

“You wouldn’t believe how mad the Hyacinth was with us for what had happened,” Falchion continued. “It was lucky that we managed to clear up the whole mess via a large-scale neuralyzation, which was already in progress by the time I finished off the last two Suvian characters. Still, we were put off commission for two weeks because of that mistake. Rosie still blames me and my author for it.”

“… _Ow,_ ” Rina cringed. “When you said your first mission was a doozy, you weren’t kidding.”

“How did you kill off the others, though?” asked Randa. “And you said you were the one who did it… What happened to Rosie?”

Falchion tucked his head under his wing, feeling deeply ashamed. “Heart attack,” he said weakly. “She had to be sent to Medical while I was left to take care of the whole thing by myself. I mean, I managed to do it, but it took quite a lot of planning.”

“But Not!Violet was a freaking _T. rex!_ ” Randa cried. “You said so yourself! How did you…?”

“Like I said, it took a lot of planning. First, I took a bomb I’d picked up from the Armory before the mission to DoSAT to reprogram it to go off after a set period of time. Then, I pressed charges against Terrordactyl, neuralyzed him to follow my orders, and put the bomb inside him before activating the countdown. Then, I went to get some help.”

“Who did you talk to?” asked Rayner. “It wasn’t one of those Supers, wasn’t it?”

“Well, about that… Does the name Sarah Katherine Squall ring any bells?”

“Oh yeah, she was one of the new recruits listed last month,” said Rina. “They’re still deciding on her department, last I heard. Was she…”

“Stratogale,” Falchion confirmed. “April 23rd, '57, cape caught in a jet turbine. She was one of the principal characters of the fic, aside from Terrordactyl of course. See, he was supposedly her brother, and since my disguise looked exactly the same as him, well… she was the best possible accomplice I could think of.”

“And she actually believed that _you_ were her brother?” asked Rayner.

“It wasn’t too much of a stretch, if you think about it,” the Skarmory replied. “As soon as I told her that the real Violet had been hospitalized because her leg had been bitten off by a dinosaur, and that Dino!Violet was an imposter, she agreed to help me get rid of her almost immediately.”

“That quick to trust, huh?” asked Rina.

“Thankfully, yes. I managed to press charges on Dino!Violet, and Sarah got her attention and managed to lure her to where I was waiting with Terrordactyl at my command. I sent him out to meet Dino!Vi and she, well, she ate him up. With the bomb still inside him. And only ten seconds to spare.”

Everyone flinched in disgust and made ‘ewww’ noises.

“So, how did Sarah react when she found out?” asked Randa. “Was she mad at you for killing her brother?”

“She _was_ , at first. And at my author for being such a huge prick. But ultimately, I explained the truth, apologized on my author’s behalf, and got her to join the PPC. She’s my adopted sister now. And we still plan to visit her now uncanonical family for the holidays.”

“You let the resurrected Supers assimilate into canon?” asked Rina.

“They were actually fairly realistic compared to Terrordactyl, Velociripper, and the like. I did convert them into OCs, though. You never know what’s going to happen in future installments of _The Incredibles_ canon.”

“Assuming they ever get around to making them,” Rina muttered.

“So I guess it was a happy ending for both of you,” Randa laughed. “But… how does Rosie feel knowing that you finished the mission without her?”

“She actually feels grateful for it,” Falchion chuckled. “Yeah, she was mad at first. She actually thought we’d failed the mission. But once we explained everything, she apologized, and told me that she was proud of me for pulling through at the last moment. As grumpy as she is, I look forward to working with her in the future. She seems like a capable agent, even if she didn’t last long enough to make a big difference on our first mission together.”

“What, the fact that she landed me in Medical for two months isn’t gonna give you second thoughts?” Rayner asked, sipping his cider.

Falchion looked at Rayner, completely dumbstruck. Rayner glared back for a moment, looking extremely furious, and then spoke in a very dangerous voice.

“I understand how much your partner means to you, Skarmory. But Rashida is far more powerful than even _she_ believes she is. I wouldn’t trust my life in her paws if I were you. You can keep her as long as you like, but no matter what you do, do _not_ push her.”

“But…”

“And nothing you will say can convince me to change my mind about her. I was lucky. _You_ won’t be.”

Everyone stared at him, wide-eyed. “Wait… _You_ were one of the agents she…” Falchion asked, his beak falling open in horror.

Rayner covered his mouth in alarm, realizing what he’d just said. “Oh, _buck_. Me and my big mouth…”

“It was your first partner, wasn’t it?” asked Rina. “Did she… did she kill-”

“No no NO! It wasn’t like that!” Rayner said frantically, clutching his head once more as E.V.L. mentally chastised him for being an impulsive idiot. “We didn’t know what that Replacement was capable of doin’! _That_ guy, she killed — but she was so mad that we ended up taking most of the collateral damage!”

“A Replacement? Of whom?” asked Falchion, looking completely bewildered.

Rayner sighed. “Big McIntosh,” he said simply. “Yes, it was exactly what you think it was, and yes, we literally killed that fic four months ago. But only after we brought in some help, and after my partner was shoehorned in place of… of…”

Everyone stared in horror at the mess he had made of his souffle.

“Oh… oh, no. That’s terrible,” said Randa. “We’re so sorry, Rayner. For you and your first partner.”

There was a few moments of dead silence. Rayner could tell that Falchion fully understood the meaning of what he had said earlier.

For the second time that day, the Steel-type decided to change the subject.

“So… What was the craziest mission _you_ two ladies went through?” he asked, cocking his head curiously at them.

“Sevlow,” both girls said immediately.

“Seriously, I don’t know why that fic wasn’t sent to WhatThe,” Rina said, shaking her head. She glanced anxiously at Rayner, who was now glaring at his plate. “That was absolutely _bizarre_.”

“What happened?” Falchion asked, leaning forward eagerly.

“More like what _didn’t,_ ” Randa said. She began ticking them off on her fingers. “Screwy sentences, crazy characterizations, terrible timelines-”

“You can stop the alliteration,” Rina interrupted.

“I do what I want,” Randa shot back. “Anyway, this Sue was absolutely _nuts_.”

Rina’s expression hardened. “Daughter of Remus and Tonks who was Harry’s age. According to the summary, they would have ended up having to get married later-”

“What the _flock?_ ” Falchion squawked.

“Oh, it just gets better. She was a Metamorphmagus, could talk to animals, turn into cats, and had superhuman senses because she apparently thought Potterverse werewolves passed that on to their kids.” Rina actually brought a fist down on the table at the last bit. “It was a good thing she had a weird typo earlier, because we might have been in trouble when she tried to turn into a lion.”

Randa tried to stifle a giggle at the memory.

Rayner raised an eyebrow. “You don’t mean — ”

Randa couldn’t hold it in any more. “Yup!” she laughed, “she turned into a loin!”

“My shoes still have glitter on them from kicking her,” Rina said, sticking one of her feet out so Falchion and Rayner could see. Sure enough, the black Converse had glittery stains.

Rayner shook his head. “And what happened after you killed the Sue?”

“The fic collapsed in on itself,” Rina replied. “The Word World was so messed up, it wasn’t even canonical. But still, the loin Sue…” She couldn’t help but burst into laughter herself.

Falchion chirruped a giggle. “Sarah would’ve gotten a real _kick_ out of this whole thing if she were here,” he said. “It’s a shame she isn’t. We only pulled got out of our second mission just this morning. I’ll make sure to tell her as soon as she gets back.”

“Wait, what happened to her?” asked Rina. “How bad was the mission?”

“Just as ridiculous as yours, trust me,” Falchion replied, finishing the last of his salmon. “ _Indiana Jones_ trollfic. I never thought I’d get to run into one of those this early in my career.”

“Oh, wow,” Rayner said grimly. “You guys didn’t get hurt, did you?”

“Well, we _did._ But the thing is, physical injuries can be healed with a Roost or two. Mental scars? Doubt it.”

“Yeesh, that bad?” asked Randa.

Falchion counted on his talons. “Stupid MacGuffin granting Indy the power of flight via anal insertion, Henry Jones Senior being replaced by a sick, evil piece of glittery guano, Indy being sent forward in time — twice, in fact — with the September 11 World Trade Center bombing involved, and a Gary Stu who just _had_ to get possessed by a Badfic Troll. But that wasn’t the worst part…”

“How did you get hurt?” asked Rina.

Falchion shrugged. “Basically, my stupid sister thought it would be a good idea to jump into the badfic without prior training, and I tried to get her out of there before Rosie came back and blew up at us both. Even without a cape, Sarah could _still_ get herself killed in a badfic as bad as the one we went through. It was lucky I dropped the Badfic Troll into the fire pit from _Temple of Doom_ before he could kill her.”

“Wait, Rashida _wasn’t_ with you guys?” asked Rayner, raising an eyebrow.

“Not _initially_ , at least. She had an appointment with FicPsych that day, and told us to wait for her before doing anything else. Unfortunately, Sarah had _just_ moved into our RC mere minutes before she’d gone; Rosie went into the badfic herself to bail us out as soon as she got back. She’s still mad at Sarah for flocking up the whole thing. She told us to go to Medical to get our injuries patched up, and then had Sarah come back to the RC as soon as she was done. Even considering how much of an ass my sister was, I don’t envy her position.”

“You certainly shouldn’t,” Rayner growled at him.

“And of course, I ended up getting lost on the way back from Medical and ran into you guys. So here I am!” Falchion finished.

“You know, speaking of RCs, we probably ought to be heading back,” Randa said, checking her _Hello Kitty_ watch and standing up. “Oh, Rina, are you gonna finish your fries?”

“Yes,” Rina replied, swatting away Randa’s hand and standing as well. “Anyway, Falchion, Rayner, it was… interesting to meet you.”

Randa gave her a look.

“Okay, fine, I enjoyed talking with you guys.” Rina glowered at her partner. “Happy now?”

“Yuppers!” Randa walked around the table to give Falchion a careful hug, then, before Rayner could stop her, gave him one, too.

Rina grabbed the trays, glanced at Falchion and Rayner, and shrugged. “I guess we’ll see you guys around, then.”

The two of them headed off, leaving the male agents behind. But then a thought occurred to Falchion.

“Hey, wait up!” the Skarmory called, clumsily getting out of his chair and rushing up behind them. Rayner muttered wordlessly to himself before getting up to put the trays and utensils away.

Rina turned around. “Oh, so you _did_ want to have the last word?”

“I just wanted to say, well… If you want to do a mission with me and my partners, just feel free to let me know!”

“The guys Upstairs usually decide who works with whom,” Randa pointed out. “But we’ll try to help you out whenever we can!”

“Good to know,” Falchion smiled, bowing his crested head. “Thanks, girls! I’ll see you around soon!”

“Bye, guys! Same!” Randa called back.

“Let’s just go already,” Rina said, though she was still smiling. “I would be surprised if our console hasn’t gone off by now…”

Falchion chirped a quiet laugh as he watched the girls leave. Then he turned to rejoin Rayner, but not before clicking his rear talons at his accomplishment. It felt so good to make some friends around here.

  


“Well, I guess the cats and the roosters have finally split up,” the humanized pegasus said with a dry smirk a few minutes later as they walked down another corridor en route to the DF. He looked at Falchion, and sighed. “Sorry about being such a dick earlier, by the way. It’s been hell for me since the Killer Mac incident, literally. I guess it doesn’t excuse my takin’ it out on you, though.”

“No no, it’s fine. _I’m_ the one who should be sorry. I wasn’t too happy myself after today. I’m kinda glad that we were able to talk with those girls, though. It really helped to be able to speak to someone who understands me.”

“And Rashida doesn’t?” Rayner asked with a raised eyebrow.

“She holds me accountable all the time, and I can’t say I blame her,” Falchion replied with an embarrassed smile. “And speaking of which, I guess I’m done here. We’ve finally made it back to Floaters, and Rose’s probably gonna kill me for being so late.”

“Good luck,” Rayner replied, stroking the back of the Skarmory’s neck. “And if you want to join a mission with me and Little Miss Dante’s Reject, you’re more than welcome to. We’re over at RC #133,316,666.”

“Good to know. Thanks, Rayner!”

The rainbow-haired man blinked in surprise, and then broke out into a smile. “Anytime, Falchion. Anytime!”

With that, Falchion’s other new friend saluted in farewell and turned and walked back the way he came, leaving the Armor Bird Pokémon to once more find his way back to his RC.


End file.
